Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW's Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!
I've been in a committed relationship for almost four years. For the first year it was amazing! Date nights, surprise gifts and amazing sex.
Now I have to beg, CRY, fight, anything -- just to get a little attention.
I mostly blame myself for going from a cheerleader size of 105 pounds to 170 pounds in just a couple of months.
He still says I'm beautiful. But now our relationship is more like friends who happen to sleep in the same bed. Even when we do have sex, he is totally uncommitted. And it's always, always the same positions.
What do I do? It's been 4 years and I don’t want to throw everything to the wind.
I'm going insane and I don't know what to do.
The Hottie That Was
Dear Sacred Bombshell,
Take a breath. No matter what number is on the scale, you are beautiful, whole, perfect, and yes, STILL a “hottie.”
Thank you for having the courage to write. You are not alone. Many women (and men) suffer in silence when a partner loses interest after a body change.
Generally, when we make a long-term relationship commitment, we choose to love, honor, and cherish for a lifetime. I am not sure the nature of the promises you made with your man, but it sounds as though that this is the kind of relationship you were seeking.
To me, the real issue is what is going on with you, rather than what is happening with your partner. You gained 65 pounds in a couple of months. I am not a doctor, but that sounds to me like a large amount to gain in such a short period of time.
Whether by personal design, lifestyle change, or health issue, there is some reason you gained the weight in the first place. Is it a hormonal change, health issue, emotional issue like depression, side effect to medication or some other cause?
Often when we gain weight for emotional reasons, it is because we feel unsafe. The weight becomes literally an insulator from the outside world. If your weight gain is due to increased eating, are you trying to numb yourself to or avoid something happening in your life?
Ideally, a romantic partner should love us no matter what happens with our bodies. The reality is that weight gain or even, sadly, body illness, is a deal-breaker for some people. I have a life coaching client who ended a relationship over her partner’s weight gain. When I asked why, she said she didn’t sign up for that. She explained, “I am not attracted to fat men. If I wanted a fat man I would have dated one in the first place.” We can judge her as superficial, but personal sexual attraction is not an interchangeable science. We are all attracted to different things.
Right now, your priority is to take care of you. See a medical doctor immediately to make sure everything is okay physically. I would also advise you to see a therapist.
As for your relationship with your man, open, honest communication is necessary ASAP. Show him this letter and see what he has to say. Of course you don’t want to throw your relationship away, but you didn’t sign up to be ignored either. You deserve to have a man who finds you irresistible.
You say you have to beg or cry to get attention. That is unacceptable. That’s no way to live… or love.
Abiola Abrams is the founder of The Bombshell Academy blog, online school and web series over at AbiolaTV. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week's hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.
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