Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW's Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!
Is booty sex a reason to leave a marriage?
My husband has had an addiction to anal sex my entire 13-year marriage, along with regular sex as well. I only have a problem with the anal part.
It hurts and makes me feel bad afterwards. He knows I don't like it or desire it.
After counseling and a separation of 3 months, he decided that now he wants to sit his penis in my crack of my anal area without going inside. To me that's still too much.
He doesn't understand that I DO NOT want to be touched BACK THERE at ALL!
I'm at the point of just wanting to end my marriage because I have endured so much pain from this addiction of his.
Please help me! I’m desperate.
Tired of the hurt to my body
Dear Sacred Bombshell,
You sign your letter “tired of the hurt to my body” but glaring between your every word is the hurt to your heart.
Let me start off by saying that anything that consenting adults agree to do within the sanctity of their own relationship is up to them. Healthy sex is safe, sane, and consensual. I define safe sex as sexual interaction that is mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually safe. Your sexual relationship with your husband is not safe by any of those parameters.
The issue seems to be “booty sex” on the surface but that’s only the symptom. The base issue is the blatant disregard for your feelings in your relationship. You deserve a basic level of compassion, empathy and understanding from your life partner. Again, you and only you have the final say in what works best for your body.
Your husband, in your words, has a sexual addiction. Although sexual addiction is often brushed off or laughed at in our society as possibly “not a real thing,” sex addiction is addiction. An addiction is a mental health challenge. Given that, you cannot have sex that is safe and sane with an addict who is in the throes of his addiction.
Of course you want to please your man, but you have a right to choose what you are into and what you’re not into. There is no sexual act that is mandatory to your relationship. It is deeply troubling that your husband would persist down this pathway despite your insistence and after therapy and separation.
Again, when you are dealing with an addict in the active throes of his or her addiction, you are not dealing with a rational mind.
Please find support at the Partners of Sex Addicts Resource Center at www.posarc.com. Other support groups include the 12-step Co-Dependents of Sex Addicts and S-Anon is a “program of recovery for those who have been affected by someone else's sexual behavior.”
You deserve to feel emotionally safe in your marriage. You have a right to feel loved, honored, and cherished. If your husband is unwilling or unable to be who you need him to be, then you have to ask yourself the difficult question of whether the relationship you are trying to save even still exists.
Abiola Abrams is the founder of The Bombshell Academy blog, online school and web series over at AbiolaTV. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week's hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.
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