Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW's Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!
Men only want me for sex. What is wrong with me?
I'm a 22-year-old female. I know my self worth and I love me some me. I am an attractive girl with a model finish. I’m not cocky though; but I am stating this because I don’t fully understand why men only see me for sex.
I don’t dress overly sexy nor is my body language sexy. I know this for a fact because I don't feel comfortable in tight, short clothing.
Only guys with girlfriends or wives approach me, which I find weird. I know I am worth so much more. It’s not like I am a lazy, sexy, party girl so this has me confused. I am a working professional at a top bank.
Guys come after me like crazy but after I get to know them it’s just sex they want. I've never had a boyfriend and I want to grow with someone and have fun; not only casual sex. Help!
Confused and Wants a Serious Relationship
Dear Sacred Bombshell,
Thank you for your letter. Your dilemma is that men see you as “Miss Right Now" and you want to be seen as “Miss Right.” You want them to invest their emotional currency with you while they only your sexual currency.
We are about to get all metaphysical up in here, sis. Sexual attraction is both an art and a science. Being sexy goes way beyond the shortness tightness of your clothes.
Let’s learn from two sexual icons. Of her scandalous stage show, Josephine Baker said, “I wasn't really naked. I simply didn't have any clothes on.” In other words, it was about energy not visuals. Marilyn Monroe once was invisible walking down a city sidewalk. No one recognized the megastar until she turned to a friend and said, “Watch this.” She shifted her energy from Norma Jean Baker to Marilyn Monroe and suddenly was mobbed with crazy fans. Again, energy.
You need to learn the shades of your own sexual power; and how to turn your divine feminine sexy energy on and off.
Here are your Goddess Action Steps:
1. Evolve your self-perception. You say that you are an attractive “female.” Try seeing yourself as a beautiful woman instead. The word female belittles the totality of your power. Any old animal can be male or female. These titles describe genitalia and scientific body assignments. Only a human being can be a woman. Own it -- and see yourself as more than just a “female.”
2. Become more discerning and better be able to read people. Who are these men you are spending company with? Where are you meeting them? Are you meeting them all in the club? On the street? At work?
Education, wealth, and age are not markers of maturity. However, where and how a man spends his time is. You’re still very young but as you want (and deserve) more, you may want to seek out a different social circle of men. For example, you might want to ask your friends and family to introduce you to worthy individuals. You can also meet men in settings where you share common interests, classes, meetups, conventions, or religious events.
3. Cut off the casual sex.
If you are casually casting your pearls to handsome swine, the time has come to close the gate. If you were looking for casual sex and it was working for you, I’d tell you to be safe and have fun. But this is not what you’re looking for.
You don’t say when you’re realizing that these men only want you for sex. If it is after you’ve casually had sex with them, that is too late. Make a commitment to yourself that you will date whomever you chose and not have sex until you are in a relationship.
There are some women who only want casual sex -- and if that works for them great. There are some women who forgo all sexual intimacy until formal commitment - if that works for them, great!
Let’s talk about the Tao of Feminine Sexuality No blame, no shame. If you want a Barack, you have to be a Michelle. if you want to be treated like a lady, you have to act like one. Do you -- with personal honor and integrity.
4. Learn to love the non-physical aspects of yourself.
The world is a mirror. This means that our experiences often reveal what we truly believe about ourselves. You are clearly gorgeous. Now, I want you to go deeper to discover what else you bring to the table in a relationship.
Start with a list of everything that you love about yourself. What are the things you value in yourself beyond the physical? What do you love about your mind, your personality, your spirit, and your emotional intelligence?
When you begin to see yourself as more than just a pretty face and a hot body, your suitors will too.
5. Learn to turn your sexual energy on and off.
I had a one-on-one empowerment coaching client complain that every man she met online wanted to have sex. When we delved deeper, it turned out that in her first or second conversation she was already talking about sexual positions and preferences. Then once the sex genie was out of the bottle, she couldn’t get back to a place of where the man was just getting to know her.
Once you get to know your prince you can let your freak flag fly. Once he knows who you are as a whole person (and vice versa), you can regale him with promises that curl his toes. Until then, save the sexy talk for a later date.
6. What’s your flirtation factor?
You could be unknowingly sending out the wrong signals. We have all done that. You also may be naturally flirtatious. Many of us are. Don’t downplay your personality. Just become more aware of how others are receiving your attention.
7. Check your own availability.
A few years ago I had to face an ugly truth. Only unavailable men approached me because I was secretly unavailable. I say secretly, because I didn’t know it. I had been hurt and didn’t want to be hurt again so I had a sword and shield up. How open and available is your heart to a real relationship with a real man?
There are great, fully available men who approach us but they are invisible to us because we are not into them. What are the qualities that you are looking for? Do these qualities say ‘I am a superficial player’? Or ‘I am a commitment-minded adult’?
You are not broken or wrong, gorgeous one. You just need to weed out these boys and add a layer of wisdom to your sexiness. Your king is waiting for you.
Abiola Abrams is the founder of The Bombshell Academy blog, online school and web series over at AbiolaTV. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week's hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.