Intimacy Intervention: ‘Thanks to Menopause, I Don’t Turn My Husband On Anymore!’

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A woman new to menopause needs help feeling sexy again to save the sex life in her marriage. Sexpert Abiola weighs in!

Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW's Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!

Dear Abiola,

I never thought much about menopause until I was in it. I am 54 and my body just went through a whirlwind in the past year. Hot sweats, night sweats – you name it, I’ve got it! I feel like I’ve been taken over by aliens.

My husband isn’t looking at me as sexy anymore, but I guess the real problem is that I’m fine with it! My vag feels like sandpaper so sex is the last thing I need even though I love him very much.

I feel like I’ve turned into an ugly old hag overnight. My husband still loves me but he’s kind of given up with me turning him on for sex and we are now just household BFFs.

I’m over the lingerie thing. How can mama get her groove back?

Please help.


Menopausal Mama

Dear Sacred Bombshell,

First of all, let’s re-envision you in your rightful state as a beautiful and vibrant Majestic Mama instead. Yes!

I applaud you for reaching out for support. Menopause is something that we will all experience as women, yet none of us talk about. In Western culture there is a shame around aging. Beauty and sex appeal are thought to equal youth. Add that to the taboo nature of discussing topics related to women’s bodies and there’s a menopause discussion shutdown.

Menopause is generally regarded as the end of a woman’s menstrual period, but it is so much more. Instead of thinking of yourself as dried up and shut down, this is your time to shine! You are as young as you ever will be. This is a time, in mind-body-and-spirit, where a lot may be coming up for you that you ignored at other points in your life.

You deserve to feel hot and sexy with the love of your life! Please know that you are not alone in this journey. According to, a full one-third of American women report feeling a decrease in sexual desire.

Some women experience menopause super early and some much later. Some have extreme symptoms and others have none. What we all will experience is a hormonal shift. Our bodies will all react to this hormonal shift differently, but you are still in charge of yourself during this time. It may feel as though the estrogen and progesterone have left the building but you are still you.

Your Sacred “Get My Sexy Back” Action Steps:

1.    Have an honest conversation with your hubby. You both love each other and you signed on for good times and challenging times. Let him know that you still love him and that although both of your bodies are changing or will change, you are committed to things getting better. This is important because he may be reading your disinterest as a rejection of him.
2.    See your doctor and tell her what you are experiencing. Enlist her as a key member of your intimate team on your “get my groove back” journey.
3.    Some women have found that hormone replacement therapy is a good option. Other women are uncomfortable with this approach. In fact, studies show that we as African American women are reluctant to try hormone therapies. You still want to have an open honest conversation with your healthcare provider to weigh all of your options.
4.    See a nutritionist who may be able to provide dietary support for your menopausal symptoms. There are herbs that can help you to alleviate the dryness. Changing the way that you eat may also be helpful for symptoms such as hot flashes.
5.    Experiment with different lubricants to find one that is right for you. Make it a game and again, involve your husband.
6.    You may want to try a natural sexual enhancement product while waiting for a recommendation from your physician. One such product is Iaso Love an all-natural product by Total Life Changes. Contact Debra Porter directly for more info. ***Please note that this does not constitute medical advice or a product referral. This is for informational purposes only. Take responsibility for your own wellbeing and consult your own medical team to know what is right for you.
7.    Try Hypnosis Erotica. This may sound crazy but I have a coaching client that feels that Hypnosis Erotica brought her libido to off the chart levels! True story.
8.    Read “Goddesses Never Age: The Secret Prescription for Radiance, Vitality, and Well-Being” by Dr. Christiane Northrup.

My darling, you have just about as much life in front of you as you have behind you. You are still a young vibrant woman. You have options -- and you are blessed that you have a loving partner to explore them with you.

I am holding a sacred bombshell vision of you happy, healthy, hot, and in vibrant love and lust with your husband. Good luck!

Passionately yours,

P.S. Side note: for those of us who are younger than our lovely Majestic Mama here, this is a great time for us to speak to our mothers, grandmothers, or other women in our families. Ask: When did menopause begin for you? What was it like? What do you wish you had known before? Let’s release the chains by removing the shame.

Abiola Abrams

Abiola Abrams is the founder of The Bombshell Academy blog, online school and web series over at AbiolaTV. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week's hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.

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Filed under: Love & Sex