Ask Dr. Sherry: ‘Am I Too Independent For A Man?’

A divorcée having trouble dating again ponders whether or not she could be too independent for the men she meets. Dr. Sherry weighs in!

You've seen celebrity clinical psychologist Dr. Sherry Blake, author of The Single Married Woman: True Stories of Why Women Feel All Alone in Their Marriages, keep the Braxton sisters calm on the hit show Braxton Family Values. Now it's your turn to sit in her chair...

Dr. Sherry,

I am a divorced mother of four who had all of my children by the same man. I am sending this because I think I am missing something when it comes to dating. I have attempted to date younger men, older men and even men who make less than me. I am confused because none of the relationships have worked out. One thing I have noticed about the last three men I attempted to date was that they all said to me very early on in the relationship that all women want a man to take over and lead. I am not sure if that is something that I am missing or if I just don¹t know how to let a man lead. I feel that I should not have to make drastic changes to my lifestyle to be in a relationship. I need some help. I do want to be married again, but am I too independent? Thank you for your help!



Dear Sis,

I really do not believe that you can be too independent.  My theme song for women in a relationship is "God Bless the Child" by Billie Holliday. My favorite line is: "Mama may have, Papa may have, but God bless the child that’s got his own.” As a woman, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being independent and having your own. The problem comes when women flaunt their independence in a man's face. At times, women often do this unknowingly and unintentionally. At other times, some women are quite aware that they are flaunting their independence.

I challenge you to examine how you are expressing your independence. Your difficulty may not have anything to do with you being independent but more to do with the men you are choosing to date. They are all waving the same red flag when they assume that all women want a man to take over and lead. If you are not that type of women, keep moving.

Some men are insecure and may feel threatened if they are not in charge. If you do want someone to take charge and lead, make sure you know where he is going before you decide to follow. If you take the time to really listen to a person before you commit to dating them, you will hear their beliefs and value system regarding a mate. Once they are clear, you have the choice to date or not to date. I suggest that you look carefully for a man that is secure enough to deal with a strong, independent woman. Remember that you have the right to choose and do not have to be the chosen one. Okay? -- Dr. Sherry

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Filed under: Love & Sex