Intimacy Intervention: ‘I Love My Husband, But I’m Never In The Mood!’

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This reader’s husband has had it with her lack of libido, but she’s still not feeling it. Sexpert Abiola to the rescue!

Dear Abiola,

I'm 24 and I have been married for almost four years. I love my husband; he's the love of my life. But I just don't want sex. I just never feel like it. My husband is getting mad because I always say I'm not in the mood.

What should I do?


Get Offa Me

My Dearest GOM,

I want to applaud you for having the courage to reach out for help. I love how much you love your husband. I’m sure that it must be stressful for you not wanting sexual intimacy from the love of your life.

I receive many letters from women who are dealing with similar issues in some way. You are not alone. We all have so much wisdom within. We ignore ourselves and it can affect us and our relationships in many different ways.

Be sure to keep the lines of communication open with your husband. Connect, talk, listen, repeat. Be honest and maybe even show him this letter. Keep up the kissing, hugging, and snuggling while you’re working on a solution to this challenge.

You didn’t give many details, but let’s get into it.

1.    First of all, go to see your doctor. You are a young virile woman. I am assuming from your letter that not wanting to be intimate is a relatively unusual situation for you. Make sure that you are physically healthy. Your interest could wane because of hormonal issues or the medications that you’re taking.

2.    Check your stress levels. You may be healthy physically, but what’s going on mentally? Are you sad or depressed? All kinds of natural mental health challenges from anxiety to grief can affect our sexual functions.

3.    Are you feeling any anger or resentment toward your husband? Are you turned off to sex in general? Or just not feeling sexy about him? Ask yourself what has changed. You can’t be turned off by someone in the daytime and suddenly be in to them in the bedroom. Is there a lack of trust? Is the relationship toxic in any way? Do you feel safe emotionally with him?

4.    Work on reigniting the flames with other kinds of intimacy. The biggest sex organ is the brain. Are you snuggling and cuddling with your man to get your oxytocin, endorphins, and other feel good hormones going? Physical contact outside of the bedroom is critical in relationships.

5.    Are you bored with your husband? It doesn’t sound like this is the issue, but if it is, then try experimenting together. Create a 90 days of intimacy fun challenge for the 2 of you. Watch sexy movies, read erotic stories, buy passion-inspiring toys and see if this gets you excited.

6.    There are many different lubricants on the market. This won’t turn you on if you’re just not feeling it, but may be helpful some of the time. Experiment to see what is right for you. There is a diagnosis called Female Sexual Dysfunction, but make sure that you are eating right, working out and keeping your blood flowing. Healthy body, healthy libido.

Write back and let me know how it is going.

You deserve to feel happy, hot, and magnetic in your relationship! Pleasure is your Sacred Bombshell birthright!

Passionately yours,


Abiola Abrams

Abiola Abrams is the founder of The Bombshell Academy blog, online school and web series over at AbiolaTV. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week's hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.

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Filed under: Love & Sex