Intimacy Intervention: ‘My Husband’s Old-Fashioned in Bed, So I’m Having An Affair!’

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This reader stepped out on her marriage because she felt her husband was boring in bed and now she can't stop lusting after another man.

Dear Abiola,

My marriage has become compromised. And we have been through a lot together both good and bad. In plain English, this is the story of a boring marriage and an affair.

Approximately 4 1/2 weeks ago, a man I didn't notice noticed me after he came into my job. After spending almost an entire day together, he began to pursue me. Each time I said, "no", he became more and more adorable to me. (We saw each other multiple separate times throughout my 10-hour work day. He was stuck at my work location.)

When I got off of work we ended up going out and having a couple of drinks. We meet some people and had an incredibly beautiful time together. The next time he came into town we ended up taking things to the next level which was INCREDIBLE!

I thought that because he and I are both married I could go back to my life and move on. But we have remained in touch, furthering our feelings. He is so funny, easygoing, very confident, and incredibly sexual. He wants our meetings to continue and has introduced me as his other wife a one point.

My husband is very stern, serious, and old fashioned. In the bedroom, for years I have had a hard time being interested. It is mostly due to my large body size and his not-so-large size man part. I could NEVER tell my husband this. I love him dearly, and he once was all those things the other man is -- but not anymore. We already have lived separately for  seven years, but we're not separated.

I really want to save my marriage and have forced the sex life with my husband to continue knowing I am not sexually satisfied or interested anymore. He is a wonderful man and deserves more sex than I want to give him and even more so he deserve a faithful wife.

Unfortunately, I am starting to have a lot of feelings for the other man, after I told him not to expect anything more than what already happened. And yet I can't wait to hear from him again. But he is also married. So, I know I need to get past that and save my own marriage to my wonderful husband.

Any words of wisdom, or ideas would so greatly appreciated.


Lost in Love for Lust

My Dearest Lusty,

Chile, sweetie, gorgeous one, sit down and let’s chat.

You are a mess; and not the beautiful kind either. Your marriage has not “been compromised.” You compromised it. You are wreaking chaos on yourself, your marriage, and this other couple’s marriage. You are not thinking clearly. Please accept this as a cold, sober, glass of reality doused on the fairytale fantasy you’ve made up in your mind.

This other dude may be funny, confident, and easygoing but he is also a liar and a cheater. If you think that you are going to ride off into the sunset with him, then you are totally delusional. Of course he is funny and a laugh a minute. That is because (unlike with your husband) there is nothing invested and nothing to lose. When you are having an affair you are not dealing with the real person. You are dealing with his representative -- and vice versa. This representative doesn’t have to argue with you over bills, kids, or any of that pesky real life, grown up stuff, so yeah, that rocks!

When a married man pursues us, it can feel like, ‘wow, he is overtaken by my specialness.’ I am talking to you sister to sister, queen to queen, because I have been there. Stop lying to yourself. He is not attracted to your mojo. He is attracted to your availability. If it wasn’t you, it would be the equally special woman next to you. To think that trading in your husband for the delights of a known cheater will make you happy is just lunar madness. So let’s step out into the sun.

Your husband may indeed be a wonderful man but that’s no reason by itself to stay together. You have lived separately for 7 years. Seven years!? Either you make a real re-commitment to your marriage and your man or you move on. You don’t deserve to be in a boring, sexless marriage with someone you seem only marginally attracted to. When you feel you have to force it, something is broken. You deserve the ‘more’ you were seeking with #2. Don’t sell yourself short as ‘the other wife.’

Get centered. Remove yourself from the chaos and figure out what you really want. Then commit to that decision wholeheartedly.

You deserve to be loved, adored, and cherished by someone who finds you hot, gorgeous, and brilliant. However, this cheater, my Sacred Bombshell sister, ain’t it. I will hold a vision of you loved, honored, and adored. In order for that to come into fruition, you need to first feel that way about yourself.


Abiola Abrams

Abiola Abrams is the founder of The Bombshell Academy blog, online school and web series over at AbiolaTV. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week's hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.

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Filed under: Love & Sex