Intimacy Intervention: How Can I Get Some ’50 Shades Of Grey’ Action With My Husband?

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A reader asks sexpert Abiola Abrams for a little BDSM 101 training. Read her response!

Dear Abiola,

I feel a little silly to ask this question but here goes:

I want to turn my man into Christian Grey. How can I get some “50 Shades of Grey” action going with my husband?


Mr. Grey Should See Me Now

Greetings Sacred Bombshell,

As you know, gorgeous, “50 Shades of Grey” was a written sensation and now it is a movie sensation. You have absolutely no reason to feel silly as clearly you’re not the only queen in the American jungle looking for a little fantasy play. In fact, I received 3 versions of your question just this week! As for the whoa factor, this taboo question makes most of us blush. So again, you are not alone.

Let’s take a deep breath and dive in, shall we? Your question is basically about how you can invite a little BDSM into your marriage. BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline, Sadism and Masochism. There are in-community variances on the breakdown of the acronym, but you get the general idea.

Here are 10 juicy ways to add more shades to your intimate play:

1) Shame-free zone.
Whatever you and your partner want to do as consenting adults is up to you. Judgement has no place in the boudoir. Learning to ask for what we want in all aspects of our lives is an act of self-love. Kudos to you for having the courage to explore. Know that at any point you have the right to change your mind.

2) Communication.
Remember, your man will not be Christian because he is a faux character. Partners are often mismatched on their sensual needs. Honesty is the best way to avoid resentment. If this is a new fantasy for you to explore, you may be wondering how to “come out” with it to your man without him potentially freaking out.

The great thing is that this series is everywhere. Get the book and read it to him in the bathtub. You can also ask him to watch the movie with you and whisper, “What if we tried that?,” as you’re watching. Warning: You may not make it to the end of the film.

3) 50 Shades in a box.
Remember the floggers and spanking toys in the book? Leave all of the legwork to the experts and buy a pre-packaged exploration kit. The adult line Lelo has a “Dare Me” kit. Their Dare Me Pleasure Set is a “soft bondage gift set for exploring sexual fantasies.” The kit includes: a Sensua Suede Whip with soft tassels, 2 Luna Beads™ vibrating Ben Wa Balls (that respond to movement) with a silicone harness, 100% Silk and Suede restraint cuffs (for wrists or ankles) all in a pretty satin storage pouch. Voila.

4) Your sensual education.
If figuring this out on your own seems confusing, get an adult sensual education. Companies that make “how to” adult educational videos include: Welcomed Consensus and It’s like having a sex coach right there with you.

Check out these training videos together or alone to ease your discomfort and get a sense of what you may or may not be into. Start by watching my free self-love video: “How to Express Your Sexual Self-Worth” on my YouTube Channel.

5) Blindfold time.
A blindfold is a great non-toy toy to tease and tantalize your partner. You can purchase a fancy one or improvise with anything from a silk scarf to a neck tie.

6) Christian Grey’s tie.
Christian’s tie is so iconic that it made it to the cover of the book. The tie, of course, is used by Christian to tie Anastasia up. Hang one of your husband’s ties on the doorknob whenever one of you wants to have a fantasy-filled night. Alternatives include the cable ties mentioned in the book and good old handcuffs. You can start with the pink, harmless-looking, fluffy kind if one of you is feeling squeamish.

7) Bling nights.
Diamond-accentuated accessories may make the whole experience less intimidating. You can order these sexy intimate playthings right on Amazon now and skip the whole discreet billing packaging issues. Bound by Diamonds sells rhinestone-accented faux patent leather cuffs. If you want to switch it up, Bijoux Indiscrets Si Plaisir Nacre makes black or white pearl handcuffs that practically look like you can wear them to dinner.

8) Crimson paint.
Christian Grey had a red room of  pleasure and pain. You can create your own playroom in your bedroom with an accent wall or in a guest room if you have the space. If the red pain is too much, you can always undo it. Or make it easier on yourself with red silk sheets. Buy an extra set or two for the walls for your multi-shaded weekends.

9) A new kind of game night.
50 Days of Play is an adult-only couple’s game for exploration. This is a great way for you to relax, let loose, and even laugh together while getting sexy.

10) Be clear about your boundaries.
What are you open to and not open to? Create a safe word so that you can feel comfortable to really go for it.

Good luck, my darling, and most importantly, have fun!

Passionately yours,


Abiola Abrams

Abiola Abrams is the founder of The Bombshell Academy blog, online school and web series over at AbiolaTV. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week's hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.

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