Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW's Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!
A few months ago I found out that my husband was having an affair with the woman who lives right next door. It's been a very rocky time but I chose to forgive him as the father of my child. I know I want another baby and I don't want to raise my children in a multiple father baby mama/baby daddy type of situation.
What hurt me most was the way I found out. The chick dialed my phone on purpose while they were having sex. I found out that she did it because he was trying to end things. Now I have go see this lady almost every day. She stares me down and laughs when I walk by and stuff like that. Plus I have very graphic details replaying constantly in my mind of every thing they were doing including oral sex for about two years! My husband doesn't want to move because we are very close to his job and our families.
I've never had any kind of low self-esteem in my life. I am fair complexioned with pretty hair and green eyes. That never meant much to me but I get a lot of attention. The other lady is very dark, practically bald, and heavyset. I have a fit figure. To add insult to injury she is about 50 years old. I'm in my 30s.
I know all men cheat but I can't get past the why. Why would you leave filet mignon at home for an old hamburger? The whole situation is making it very hard to get through. I find myself feeling depressed because I never thought something like this would happen to me.
I keep replaying the whole thing in my head and kind of questioning who I am. How do I get over it?
Can't Get Past Why Me
My sacred sister, my deepest condolences for the death of everything you thought to be true. It is awful when life shifts so unexpectedly, but I firmly believe that you can move forward. Right now, you are knee deep in grief. That is natural. Don't rush your healing or the forgiveness process. Be gentle with yourself, for you and your child.
It will be next to impossible for you to heal from this horrible situation while still living literally in the middle of your husband and his mistress. Whether he comes with you are not, you need to move. It strikes me as very odd that a man would want to continually subject his wife to being confronted by his infidelity on a daily basis. This is emotionally abusive. Something in this situation is not passing the smell test.
As for your self-esteem, men are attracted to all kinds of women: light, dark, skinny, fat, with long hair, short hair and everything in between. Some love a burger, some like steak and others are vegetarians. Into every life a little rain must fall. Being beautiful doesn't exempt us from the ugliness of life. What is most beautiful is having a strong sense of self that is internally, not externally based.
You need to ask yourself if you really even love this man. That was missing from your letter. Staying together out of obligation can make for a miserable life and you deserve better. You may want to invest in coaching or therapy. Read my story in The Sacred Bombshell Handbook of Self-Love and you will see that you are not alone.
I am holding a vision for you: I see you happy, healed, supported, and moving forward.
P.S. Not all men cheat.
Abiola Abrams is the founder of The Bombshell Academy blog, online school and web series over at AbiolaTV. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week's hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.