Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW's Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!
My skinny physique is ruining my sex life. My boyfriend says I give him nothing to hold on to in bed. We have been together 8 months. We love each other. I am naturally skinny but my boyfriend (like most black men I’ve dated) prefers bigger women. I grew up in Georgia so I have always felt self conscious about having no butt, thighs, or hips. I was teased in school and called every name from Bean Pole to Olive Oil. I hated my body and would eat everything but never gain weight.
I recently found my man’s porn and it’s all women that look nothing like me. I knew he was into big women because he is always trying to overfeed me and telling me that I need to eat more to look like a real woman. I was still shocked by seeing the videos he is into. I'm not talking about fit, healthy, or thick, I mean BBW, Big Girls Don't Cry Women. I feel like he is having sex with these women so why does he want me?
Now I feel even more self conscious. I really don’t know why he is with me. I get up in the middle of the night to drink whole milk and body building powders. I can’t stop myself from eating. I don’t want to have sex because he said he feels like he’s touching a bag of bones. He said that joking but I can’t get past it. I hate my body. I even tried working out to build muscles but I am still skinny so I am saving up for plastic surgery. In the meanwhile, what can I say to him?
Can a man have a fantasy that is different than the woman he loves? Sometimes he wants to turn on the lights during sex but I just want to disappear under the sheets. My friends say that I’m overreacting and should just go date a white man who will prefer my body type but I love my boyfriend. He is making me hate myself.
Skin and Bones
Dear Sacred and Blessed,
You are in incredibly beautiful woman. I know this because I see your heart. Your love of your body and your self will not come from your community or your man, it must come from yourself. Whether you are “skin and bones” or a Big Beautiful Woman, the objective is the same, to know is your soul that you are perfectly made and to be able to look in the mirror and rock the world like your runway!
Some men and women want to live out their sexual fantasies and some people are turned on by fantasies they would not enjoy in real life. There is no real way to know which camp your boyfriend falls in. Porn is not sex. Either way, my sacred bombshell, he has triggered all of your unhealed “stuff.” Now you are using him as an excuse to reight holy terror down on yourself. He is not making you hate yourself. You are making you hate yourself.
The urgent call in your letter for me is that you have an eating disorder and self-destructive body image issues. You need to go see a mental health and medical professional immediately. You are eating compulsively. This is self-harm. Ask your doctor about Binge Eating Disorder and OSFED (Other Specified Feeding or Eating Disorder). Also ask them about body dysmorphia.
Your question is a sexual one but your behavior is unhealthy on every level: emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. This is not about whether your man is black or white. There are men of every background in love with women of every size, hue, culture, and experience.
I am going to take the rare step of asking you to step away from this relationship - any sex or relationships - for at least a year. This is not because your man is a bad person. This is because you are not emotionally healthy. You need to invest your time and energy in your personal recovery. Tell your friends and family that you have a mental health issue and you need their love and support, not a different man. Join a support group. Allow yourself to be loved up on and supported..
It is poisonous and abusive for your man to tell you that you need to eat more to look like a real woman. He knew what you looked like when he committed to being in a relationship with you. Your womanhood has nothing to do with what you look like. I started an initiative called Project Body Love” with a “30 Days of Body Love” prescription with my fellow self-love and feminine power coach Emily Tepper because the issue of women hating our bodies is epidemic. Find additional support at ProjectBodyLove.Tumblr.com.
You are not your body. You are worthy and deserving of being loved unconditionally. I hold a vision for you of loving the skin you’re in. Release the thought that you are anything less than beautiful, powerful, and perfect. Love your body, love yourself.
Abiola Abrams is the founder of The Bombshell Academy blog, online school and web series over at AbiolaTV. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week's hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.