Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW's Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!
I want my man to be more experimental but he flat out refuses. We’ve been dating for almost six months now. I’m 39 going on 40 this year, so I kind of want to get married already, and I do like him. I’ve never been married but have two teen kids. He’s 49.
My boyfriend is pretty straight-laced as far as our sex life goes. This is new for me. I am more of the experimental type. You name it; I’ve done it. I enjoy his personality for the most part but sexually, how can I put it? He just isn’t cutting it! He told me outright that he doesn’t want to try anything that is not “sex by the book.” Yes, he really said that.
He thinks that anything other than plain old vanilla sex is somehow twisted and dirty. He won’t even discuss sex with me outside of the bedroom. He’s not even into lingerie. He says he finds any “slutty behavior” a turn off. Just missionary is pretty much it. Sex with him is like watching paint dry.
I find myself fantasizing about everyone else except him. I want to get married but does this mean being bored in bed for the rest of my life? I don’t want to end up in a sexless marriage.
Can you teach an old dog new tricks?
Bored to Tears,
Dear Sacred Bombshell,
You have answered your own question over and over again. You say that you don’t want a sexless marriage and you like to be sexually adventurous. Your man has clearly stated that he wants exactly the opposite. Many old dogs love new tricks but your man isn’t one of them. You want him to be someone else while he is telling you exactly who he is.
I’m sorry to break the obvious to you, gorgeous, but you and this man are not sexually compatible. If you already can’t stop fantasizing about being with anyone but him a few months in, how about a few years in? Many people with mismatched sexual needs can still have a loving, long-term relationship. However, you and your man seem to have such polar opposite interests that it may be time for you to cut your losses.
Sex seems to be really important for you -- and why shouldn’t it be? Good for you! Your man just isn’t that man. It doesn’t make him bad or wrong, just perhaps not your Mr. Right. He sees lingerie as a “slutty” turnoff and you want to get all “50 Shades.” Your man seems super inflexible. If you stay together you’re going to have to find a middle ground. I don’t think he knows what that is.
It’s okay to want to move onto the next stage of your life in terms of being married. However, you’re discussing fear of a sexless marriage and I didn’t read anything in your letter that he indicted he was interested in marriage or proposals. You actually seem lukewarm to him altogether. The ‘plug in any man approach’ is not the key to a happy marriage.
You deserve to be happy. You deserve to feel hot, sexy, and attracted to your husband. I will hold a vision for you of the joy-filled, juicy, adventurous marriage you seek.
Abiola Abrams is the founder of The Bombshell Academy blog, online school and web series over at AbiolaTV. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week's hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.