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Intimacy Intervention: ‘My Man Is Cheating On Me With Porn!’

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Woman upset with laptop
Woman pictured is a model, not the author of the letter.
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Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW's Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!

Dear Abiola,

I feel like my man is cheating on me -- with porn! Sometimes he watches short porn scenes in the morning before work and at night before bed. He even has to watch before he can get it going with me or while we’re having sex.

He says that I am complaining for no reason; that all men watch. My friends say I am being paranoid but I checked his hard drive secretly and he had all kinds of files of extremely sick and perverted things. Everything he had was videos and pictures of white women and Asian women that don’t look anything like me. When I investigated his bank account he was spending a whole bunch of cash on subscription sites. According to his browser history it looks like he’s even watching while he’s at work.

I don’t understand all the sneaking around. I am the most chill girlfriend. We’ve been together for a year and in the beginning we use to watch together (and I was down with it), but lately he doesn’t really want me involved. I even offered to make a sex tape so he could watch that but he says he doesn’t want to think of me like that.

Should I be worried or am I just paranoid like my friends say? I haven’t found evidence yet that he is taking this stuff offline but I’m checking for it. He’s a good guy.

Signed,

What the Fugazi?

My Dearest WTF,

Your boyfriend is lucky to have you. You started the relationship as a loving and open girlfriend sharing an activity that you both enjoyed. There is nothing wrong with someone watching and enjoying adult films alone or with their partner. However, human beings can become addicted to any activity. This includes drugs, alcohol, food, sex, gambling, games, television, and yes, pornography too. People don’t become addicted to adult movies or anything else because they are bad people. All addiction is a way to go numb, avoid dealing with life and not to feel.

You are right to be extremely concerned. Your man is exhibiting classic symptoms of addiction. He’s lying, sneaking around and spending exorbitant amounts of money. The fact that your boyfriend’s viewing habits are happening during work hours is beyond problematic. He could end up fired or worse. Many companies have morality clauses and he could find himself in serious trouble.

Your boyfriend needs an intervention. Because of the shame factor and stigmas associated with all addictive behavior and with sexual behavior in particular, this won’t be an easy conversation. Unfortunately, this situation is compounded by a ‘boys will be boys attitude’ that prevents many of our men from getting help for their issues. Come from a place of compassion rather than confrontation. You can both visit Recovery.org where you will find the Sexaholics Anonymous 12-Step Recovery Program which includes pornographic addiction. Or, speak to a recovery advisor by phone at 888-299-5213. Please note that this does not constitute medical advice. He should also check in with his own medical practitioner.

For now, this appears to be a very unhealthy relationship for you. You are also sneaking around, playing detective and being paranoid. You should take a step back from the situation to see it more clearly. Then run like the wind toward the most self-loving choice you can make for yourself. While I would never suggest leaving someone because they have a problem, you have to seriously think about how this is impacting your quality of life, whether you are being an enabler by offering by offering to make your own sex tape with an addict who could possibly distribute it, and what the future looks like for you both.

Find a good therapist or counselor immediately. You may also benefit from joining a local Codependents Anonymous Group. My hope is that your boyfriend will enter into a treatment program. That’s the only way that your relationship will work. You cannot have a healthy relationship if either party is mentally unhealthy.

You deserve so much more joy than you can imagine, and that includes a boyfriend you don’t have to spy on. I will hold a vision for you both of health, happiness, and healing whether you move forward together or separately. Here’s to removing all stigmas around mental health issues; sex-related challenges included.

Passionately yours,

Abiola

Abiola Abrams

Abiola Abrams is the founder of The Bombshell Academy blog, online school and web series over at AbiolaTV. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week's hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.

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