Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW's Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!
I never thought that sex would come between my husband and I. I was raised a devout Pentecostal Christian and have only been with one other man in my lifetime – a mistake before I got married. The only thing I learned about sex growing up is that it was bad, dirty and for reproduction only. I am no longer with that particular church but am still a very Godly woman.
When we got married a year ago, my husband used to lovingly call me a prude. He would tease me about being uptight but never with any malice, although he tried to “get it” every night. I would say yes around once or twice a week. Since then, it has become once or twice a month.
Last night, he accused me of not loving him anymore. Of course I love him and the sex is okay, but sex is just not a priority for me. At the end of the day I am exhausted. I’m 32 and he’s 35, so we’re not kids anymore. I know it sounds crazy but I still have my upbringing in my head; sex is for procreation. When he touches me, I don’t really feel aroused and because of it sex feels like a performance. One day he asked me to just touch myself so he could watch and I looked at him like he was crazy. (I’ve never even done that alone.) Since then, it’s been different between us. He called me “icy, frigid and uncaring.”
I want to turn him on again but where do I begin? I feel awkward. I don’t want to be a prude anymore but now I feel like his eyes are starting to wander. Is it too late?
Dearest Daughter of the Most High,
Take a deep breath. It is never too late. You are only 32 years old and you’re young, healthy and vibrant, with a loving partner. The time has come for you to evolve and blossom. There is nothing “slutty” about a woman who enjoys sex with the love of her life. You can be Godly and sexual in your marriage. Who do you think created your bodies? Your Creator made your body to be a source of pleasure for you both.
The right amount of contact in any relationship is whatever the consenting adults mutually agree to. Right now, your sex drives are out of sync. As for his wandering eye, the cold, hard truth is that no one ever has the right to cheat, but right now you are not fulfilling your husband’s needs. Your man deserves love and affection, just as you do.
Pay attention, princess. You don’t need to turn into a porn star – just an attentive wife. When your hubby jumped the broom he obviously admired the Godly, and yes, sexually-reserved woman he vowed to love forever. This must turn him on on some level. The key is for you to acknowledge your own desires as natural, normal and healthy.
Why did you freak out when your helpmate said that he wanted to see you touch yourself? Your body is not dirty and enjoying this passion does not make you evil or bad. If you don’t know how to please you how can you expect someone else to? It’s time to learn to appreciate your own body as a sexual creature.
Here’s how to re-spark those marital fires:
Step 1. Stand naked in front of a mirror and take a full look at your magnificence.
Your vulva, your vagina and your clitoris are rich with splendiferous nerve endings. Your clitoris is the only body part created solely for pleasure. Yay you! Appreciate and be grateful for the queen that you are. Go ahead, you’re alone. Touch your body. It’s yours!
Step 2. Indulge in a dance class that gets you back in touch with your own body.
It’s time to perform an exorcism on yourself to help release the shame, fear and distrust you hold in your body. Release that goddess energy by getting those hips moving. Hula hooping and Caribbean dance should do the trick. Classes like belly-dancing, burlesque dancing and pole fitness will all help you to resurrect your sexy. This is the way tap into that divine feminine energy. Move it or lose it, bella. In my Bombshell Bootcamp coaching program I teach women that we have to feel sexy and radiant in our own bodies before you can feel turned on for someone else.
Step 3. Treat your partner to 40 days and 40 nights of loving lust.
Part of the passion for your man is chasing you, but you have rejected him so much that he may be in shutdown mode. This means that you’re going to need to initiate so that he can see that you want him. For the next 40 days, I want you and your hubby to have sex every night. (Yes, every single night.) Sex is not just about connecting bodies. Between two people that love each other, you are connecting hearts, minds and spirits as well. This is a sacred energy exchange. Why do you think the most repeated phrase during the act is, “Oh God?”
Share your secret fantasies with each other. Read erotica with your man. Daring to role play as new people can help alleviate the pressure of your personal history.
Step 4. When you are intimate, be fully present.
If you are one hundred percent in the moment, your fears will cease to be a love blocker. Allow yourself to be soft, open and vulnerable. The way to be fully present during sex is to engage all of your senses. Set the scene with candles and sensual music. Go to a hotel if you can afford it. Think about how he smells, enjoy the way he feels and really look at this man you walked down the aisle with. Listen closely as well.
Let him know that he is your king, your he-man and your everything. Give him full access to all of you. It’s all about hot monogamy, my darling. You are making your present pay for the past and punishing both you and your husband with the lack of intimacy. Your husband deserves to be loved fully and so do you.
Get in touch in 40 days and let us know how you’re doing. We’ll be rooting for you!
Abiola Abrams is the founder of The Bombshell Academy blog, online school and web series over at AbiolaTV. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week's hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.