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Intimacy Intervention: 'I'm Sleeping with Two Men and I Love Them Both'

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Sad confused woman
Woman pictured is a model, not the author of this letter.
Photo Credit: Getty Images

Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW's Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!

Dear Abiola,

I’m in love and having sex with two men. I’m in a web and don’t know my way out.  

I have never been a woman that cheats or really understood why people do it. I was with a man I gave my all to for six years. I was there when everyone turned their backs on him, emotionally, physically and financially. Oh, by the way, I’m 33 and he is 42. He has done some things that most women would fall apart over. He cheated repeatedly and has been caught in lies. I thought I had gotten over the things he did but I would find myself looking at him in disgust and hating him.

Last year, I had enough. I started a friendship with someone that gave me everything. He made me feel like I was the best thing on earth. I started to cheat emotionally and then it became sexual. I left my ex for him. Now we have been in a relationship for almost a year but I cannot let my ex-boyfriend go. I miss him so much that it kills me. I have gone to see him and we speak on the phone, and now I’m cheating on this good man I have at home that gives me everything.

I find myself in love with two men, one that I know is toxic and the other who just leaves me speechless with happiness. I’m more confused than anything. I have tried to speak to my girlfriends but I just can’t seem to get the words out.

What do I do before this gets out of control?

Signed,

Split

Dearest Split,

Angel face, you have stepped in it big time. Oh, what a web we weave when first we practice to deceive. What should you do before the situation gets out of control? Wake up, queen. Control is a fading memory. The situation was out of control when you first stayed with your unfaithful ex. Control ran for the hills when you sank to his level by cheating on him, and it disappeared altogether when you resumed contact behind your new boyfriend’s back.

Good people put themselves in bad situations. Take full responsibility. Sure, others will drive us crazy if we let them, but 99.9% of the time we hand over the car keys.

The backstory as to why you are deceiving your current love is just that – a fairytale. The punch line is that you have become exactly what you were running from when you left Man #1. You have many excuses about how this “happened.” Sure, you would never have been the type of woman to go down this road before. However, you are now a cheater and a liar just like your ex.

1) End things with your ex-boyfriend immediately.

No “let’s meet and cry it out” scenes, as that’s exactly what drama kings and queens feed on. That will only make the situation more forbidden and thereby hotter for your potential escapades. Ending it again will feel like a death but you won’t break.

Pick up the phone like a grown woman, call Man #1 and say, “I made a mistake. I am better than this and hopefully you are, too. I wish you the best.” Then, hang up and move on. Never accept another call, text, email, booty call or box of chocolates from this loser ever again.

2) Confess.

Tell your current love what “happened” with your ex and guarantee him that it won’t happen again. Your ex is a crazy-maker, and as soon as you cut him off, he may seek revenge by telling your BF about the love triangle. You must tell your man first.

Do not go into details about the infidelity. Hopefully, Man #2 doesn’t set off on a revenge-cheating mission of his own. The truth is, that he’s not blame-free. As beautiful a person as you say he is, he became intimate with you while you were committed to someone else. Still, no one deserves deception.

3) You are not in love with two men. Your hormones and fears are entangled with two men.

Your heart is still wounded. That makes us behave uncharacteristically. You never healed or grieved the past between relationships number one and two. The reason you opened the door again to your piece of crap ex is that he is exactly who you think you deserve. The only way you will make different choices is if you change your beliefs about yourself.

Clearly, your current man is giving you love that you don’t think you’re worthy of. You need to do some serious personal development work or you will recreate different versions of this situation. Try yoga or meditation to get grounded.

4) You are not alone.

The fact that you can’t tell your friends proves that you strive to create a false picture of perfection. Get real. No one is perfect. We all make mistakes. Let she who is without sin stop lying to herself. The fact that you don’t have one friend you feel comfortable enough to show your true face makes my heart break for you.

Allow yourself to be vulnerable and humble enough to confide in someone. You also may choose to look into professional help. My recommendation would be an expert who works with cognitive behavioral therapy. Investigate one-on-one counseling or coaching in addition to couples counseling with your boyfriend if he chooses to move forward with you.

5) Take this with no judgment, sis.

I have been there. We’ve all been brokenhearted, but trifling is trifling. You get what you give and right now you’re giving love a black eye.

The good news is that you made bad choices yesterday and you can make better choices starting right now. There is no scarlet “A” branded on your heart. Forgive yourself for your adulterous behavior and become the woman you imagine yourself to be.

I have faith in you and hold a vision of your life being whole, loving, sane and healthy.

Passionately yours,
Abiola

Abiola Abrams

Abiola Abrams is the founder of The Bombshell Academy blog, online school and web series over at AbiolaTV. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week's hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.

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