Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW's Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!
My boyfriend of four months is really into role-playing. Let me emphasize, he is really, really into role-playing. The first time we had sex was the last time he wanted me to be me. Many times he wants me to pretend to be one of his co-workers, but if he sees any other woman he’s attracted to, I have to pretend to be her. It could be the mail lady, the woman at the cleaners, whoever. Then I feel kind of embarrassed when I have to interact with these women again.
I say, “baby, tonight I want to be me,” then he says, “you are you." After that he continues in his fantasy world, calling me the other person’s name and pretending like I’m her all night long and the next day too. The reason I am writing now is that it got really uncomfortable when he asked me to pretend to be his brother’s wife. He covered my face with a pillow (he does that) and was yelling her name and everything.
The longer we stay together, the deeper “our little game” as he calls it, gets. Next, he wants us to go wig shopping for me to get hair like his co-worker and sister-in-law. I feel really hurt and confused behind the whole thing.
My questions: Is this role-playing or does he want me to be someone else? Is it normal that he wouldn’t just want to have sex with me as me? Should I just be happy he is not cheating?
Is it normal for him to fantasize that I am someone else?
Who Am I Today?
My Dearest WAIT,
Normal is whatever a couple jointly decides works for them as long as it is safe, sane and consensual. Many couples explore role-playing and fantasy exploration as a part of their intimate life together. This can be a way to spice up a relationship, make the world bigger than just you two, or just a way to enjoy each other. Your situation would be great if you were both into it -- but you’re not. I can’t say that your boyfriend’s role-playing and active fantasy life are not hurting anyone else because this is hurting you.
What is troubling is not the fact that your man wants to role-play but the fact that he seems to have a blatant disregard for your wishes. This is compounded by the fact that his fantasy play seems to be the only way he chooses to have sex. The way you describe him, your man seems to be really selfish -- and a jerk on top of that.
It’s only 4 months in. If you are already having communication issues and incompatibility, this may be a foreshadowing of things to come. Intimacy is a key part of any relationship. You two are clearly not compatible in this area.
Real talk, lovey-dovey, it’s time for a self-esteem checkup. I want you to love yourself too much to even entertain the idea of a man who wants to cover your beautiful face with a pillow. I want you to be so into you that the idea that a man wants his fantasies more than he wants you is not even a consideration.
My Sacred Bombshell Sister, right now you are suffering fools gladly. I think it’s time to move on… as yourself.
Abiola Abrams is the founder of The Bombshell Academy blog, online school and web series over at AbiolaTV. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week's hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.