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Ask Dr. Sherry: ‘We’re Friends With Benefits, But I’ve Fallen In Love’

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Dr Sherry Profile Two

You've seen celebrity clinical psychologist Dr. Sherry Blake, author of The Single Married Woman: True Stories of Why Women Feel All Alone in Their Marriages, keep the Braxton sisters calm on the hit show Braxton Family Values. Now it's your turn to sit in her chair...

Dear Dr. Sherry,

I started fooling around with a good friend of mine strictly with the intention of us just being friends with benefits. Seven years have passed by and now I've fallen in love with him. When he and I first got involved, I knew that he was not the emotionally expressive type and that was fine because I only wanted sex. Now that I have feelings for him, he's still the same non-expressive, unaffectionate guy. He says he cares deeply for me and that he's just always had issues with his feelings. I feel like he just says that he cares because he doesn't want me to move on. We don't even go on dates, and yet every weekend he's partying with his friends. In the beginning I was the same way, but as the feelings grew deeper I've lost the desire to be in the club. I'm starting to feel like I've wasted these years with him, and that I am nothing more than a booty call even though he insists that he has real feelings for me. What do you think?

Signed,

Anonymous

Dear Sis,

Friends with benefits are just that! You waved your hopes, dreams and expectations of being his girlfriend when you settled with being his sex buddy. You are right; you are nothing more than a booty call to him.  As painful as it may seem, this is what you agreed to and accepted. Apparently, that role worked for you until your emotions became involved. Now you want to change the rules in the middle of the game. It does not work like that. Your "friend" has no interest or desire to make any changes to the game. And, why should he? You changed, not him. The friend with benefits arrangement is working for him, and from his perspective, he is winning!

Of course, he is going to say he has feelings for you. What else can he say in order to stay in the game? Unfortunately, you know the real deal. If you really want love, respect and commitment, you are going to have to look elsewhere. Consider your friend with benefits as someone that filled a need that you had at some point in your life. Now that your needs have changed, you must move on to fulfill these needs. Don't be mad or upset with him if his needs remain the same. It is highly unlikely that your friend will be able to meet your current needs. Count your friend with benefits arrangement as a lesson learned. If you want something different, you must do something different!  -- Dr. Sherry

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