Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW's Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!
I am five and a half months pregnant with my first child and I don’t want to have sex. My husband seems to find me sexier than ever but I feel fat, unattractive, and just not into it. I already didn’t like my body and now this pregnancy weight gain just made it worse. It also just doesn’t seem safe for the baby. I was kind of hoping that the doctor would give me a medical reason for us not to have sex but unfortunately my doc says we have a green light and it’s all systems go.
I don’t want my husband’s eye to start wandering so I’ve been forcing myself to have sex with him but then this leaves me feeling depressed for the whole week. Should I just force myself and go along with the program for the next four months until our daughter is born?
My Dearest Fab Mom-to-Be,
Congrats on your little bambino! You have been given the gift of bringing your very own miracle into the world. This is no small feat. For nine months, your womb is home to another human being whom you are feeding, nurturing, and giving shelter to with your mind, body, and spirit.
Many expectant moms fear intimacy as your body and priorities have changed. It is a beautiful thing that your loving husband finds your evolving body as vivacious as ever. Your doctor is right. There is nothing physically wrong with you having sex at this time.
Fear of a wandering eye, however, is not a reason to get it on with your hubby. You have sexual relations with your life partner because you are in love, hot for him, and sharing sweat brings you both pleasure. If you are just not feeling it, that is fully within your rights. No one should ever have sex if they’re not feeling it.
My concern is your reasons for not being into it. You feel fat and unattractive but it is natural and healthy for your body to be different at this time. Learn to love yourself at every stage of life, pregnant or not. You are going to be raising a little girl and you want to teach her to love every iteration of her body and her self. You want her to feel self-love, and body acceptance. You cannot teach her to love her body if you do not love your own. Your child is in your womb drinking up your every feeling like vitamins. I promise you, whatever you feel about yourself she will feel as well. Feed her loving and empowering thoughts so that she can be the wonder you are birthing her to be. With your doctor’s approval, a yoga practice may help you feel more comfortable in your skin.
You have an exciting opportunity to build another layer of intimacy and trust in your sacred relationship right now. Tell your husband what you are feeling. Share your fears and ask about his. Invite him to cuddle with you and go slow. Snuggle and take your time remembering what you enjoy about his body. Kiss and make out like teen agers. Read erotica together. Try wearing lingerie for the enjoyment of both of you at least three times a week. This all constitutes sexy time. All adult intimacy need not include penetration.
Future mother, you are beautiful beyond belief and worthy of your husband’s attention and affection-- and your own. Talk to a coach, counselor, or therapist to help you bridge this time and learn to love your capital “s” Self. I see you happy and healthy in love with a gorgeous, loving family. Congrats, again!
Abiola Abrams is the founder of The Bombshell Academy blog, online school and web series over at AbiolaTV. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week's hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.