Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW's Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!
I have a masturbation problem, not mine but my man’s. I don’t feel that it’s normal for anyone in a long-term relationship to have the need to masturbate. But at least 3 times a week I would find my fiancé having a solo session in the bathroom. We have different sex drives. I am a once-a-weeker and he’s an every-dayer, but I feel like he should respect me enough to wait until I’m in the mood. Otherwise what’s the point of us being in love?
Every time I catch him, I freak out and we have a big fight. I find it very disrespectful and shameful. I know it sounds kind of crazy to think of it as cheating but I do feel sometimes like he’s cheating on my with himself. I have never touched myself and certainly would never feel the need to do so while I am in a relationship with someone else!
About four months ago we had a huge blowup about it because he doesn’t see what the big deal is. He even had the nerve to say that at least he wasn’t cheating. Since that time, any time I try to initiate anything with us it’s now an erectile dysfunction situation. But he’s still able to do his thing in the bathroom!!? I suggested Viagra but he said he doesn’t need that.
I am annoyed and insulted. I’m a sexy, hot woman. So you can’t get it going for me but you can for yourself? At this point I think he’s just sick and I’m really questioning the whole engagement. It’s not about the sex for me it’s the principle of the thing.
What should I do?
He’s Not Touching Me
My dearest HNTM,
Take a deep breath, grab a cup of tea and let’s talk woman to woman. Your fiancé is not the source of the problem, you are. Relationships are a two way street with give and take. Your coldness, selfishness and lack of compassion would not be sexy or hot to a man who has been stranded in the desert.
As a couple you have different sexual needs. That’s fine; it happens but what people who feel secure in themselves and the relationship do is meet in the middle. There is nothing “shameful” or “sick” about anyone touching themselves privately whether they are in a relationship or not. It’s his right to choose what to do with his own body just as it is yours. You have shamed your man for pleasuring himself.
Your freakouts, fights and temper tantrums indicate that you have poor interpersonal skills. If this relationship is to be saved, I suggest you go to couple’s counseling or sex therapy. In addition, you need individual support because your idea of a loving relationship is skewed.
Your fiancé does not appear to have erectile dysfunction which is the inability to have an erection or sustain an erection. His condition is more likely an aversion to being chastised and dismissed like a little boy caught by his Mama! Another approach might have been to join in, ask how you could participate, or make light of catching him and steaming it up even more at the recollection when you’re making love together.
My queen, you have self-esteem issues that you need to focus on. I would bet that your selfishness bleeds into other areas of your coupledom and your life. Do the work on yourself and then you can welcome the non-judgmental love you deserve -- in your heart and your boudoir. You can do it and you deserve it. We all strive to be better tomorrow than we are today.
Abiola Abrams is the founder of The Bombshell Academy blog, online school and web series over at AbiolaTV. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week's hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.