A reader and her husband are so desperate to have a baby that they're willing to try "old fashioned surrogacy." Sexpert Abiola says "no way!"
Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW's Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!
I am only 33 and infertile. I had an ectopic pregnancy when I was a teen and now the doctors say I have poorly functioning fallopian tubes. I always said I would adopt but then I met my husband. He is such a good man and he really is everything to me. He is 40 with no kids and it’s important to him that he has his own “seeds.”
Neither one of us is financially rich but we are truly rich in the love we have with each other. My husband suggested that I ask my best childhood friend to be a surrogate. I was hesitant because she already had two kids but she said yes. She said that she would be happy to help me have my husband’s baby.
Here’s where it gets a little tricky. We both have good jobs working for the city but by the time you add in a mortgage, two cars and saving for a baby there’s not much left for doing the surrogate mother thing. Of course we’ll be paying food and medical expenses and stuff like that for my friend.
We’re thinking that my man and my best friend could get pregnant the old fashioned way. As far as I know, neither one of them is attracted to each other. My friend is a single mom so it’s all clear on her side.
Would it be the worst thing if my friend and my husband have sex so I can give my man the family he always wanted?
Mommy Wants to Be
My Dearest Future Mommy,
It’s beautiful that you and your husband want to create a family together. It sounds like you really love him and feel loved in return. Any child who comes into such a family will be truly blessed.
You’re right: for women who are trying to have a baby any way other than “the old fashioned way,” the costs do add up. I think it’s great that your friend wants to volunteer to be the gestational carrier for your child.
To quote your words, here’s where it gets tricky. No matter which way you stack this story it is not okay and will never be okay for your friend and your man to have sex to make your baby.
So to answer your question if it would be the worst thing to try to make a baby in this way, yes, yes, yes!
With all due respect, you have no idea what feelings your friend or your man have for each other. There’s a very good chance that even with the best ovulation tracking in the world that your friend doesn’t get pregnant the first time around. So your husband and friend would have to continue their intimacy as many times as it takes. Your husband would also need to not have sex with you to be able to give his “all” to the situation with your friend. This is a recipe for disaster across the board.
When it comes to surrogacy, the big costs are the living expenses, agency fees and background checks. If you don’t have that with your friend then you are already saving. The embryo transfer fee is about $1,000 to $2,000. You can re-budget and come up with that. It’s worth it to bring your baby into the world in the healthiest circumstances.
Although it’s your friend, don’t cut corners now and be sorry later. Make sure that your friend does a full medical exam and psychological screening beforehand and you should get a lawyer involved to make sure there’s an iron-clad contract. Have open communication with all parties to be sure this is a viable plan.
I repeat: do not ask your friend to have sex with your husband to make a baby. You can only speak to how you feel right now. You cannot say how your friend or hubby will feel in the future. You can’t even say how you will feel in the future.
Good luck with everything, goddess. I see you happy and in love with your healthy little one.
Abiola Abrams is the founder of The Bombshell Academy blog, online school and web series over at AbiolaTV. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week's hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.