Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW's Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!
My husband doesn’t want to have sex with me. We’ve been together for almost 10 years, married for 6. We have 2 kids but they’re 8 and 9 so I know it’s not because of that. Everything was fine and we couldn’t keep our hands off each other until about eighteen months ago.
I know he’s not having an affair because he goes to work and comes right home. I have tried sexy lingerie, showing adult films, stripping for him -- everything and he’s just not interested. I always try to initiate and mostly I just get pushed away. In the past year we maybe had sex five or six times. And, that was only because I pushed it.
We’re both fit and healthy. I haven’t gained weight or drastically aged or anything. When we met we were both 36 and now we’re 45 going on 46. I don’t feel like I’m getting older though. I feel like I’m getting younger and I still find him attractive.
I want us to be hot like we used to. We used to couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. Now we barely even talk or look at each other. It would be honestly more fun to have an affair. I still love him, so I would prefer not to go that route.
What can I do?
Sad and Desperate
My Dearest One,
Nothing may have changed on the outside in your marriage but something definitely changed on the inside. I’m so sorry that you are experiencing this situation. To feel rejection from one’s own partner can be detrimental to one’s sense of self -- in addition to the relationship. Know that most likely the situation is not because you are lacking in any way.
Have an honest conversation with your husband and ask him to get a full physical exam. You should accompany him to the doctor. Healing a marriage is a team effort.
Instead of confronting the situation from a point of something being wrong with him, come from the vantage point of how much you love and miss him. Explain that you want to support him and rebuild so that you can be close again. Having an affair is definitely not the way to go. If you love your husband and care about your marriage, then you both also need to get into couples therapy immediately.
Your husband may be suffering from depression. There are all kinds of psychological reasons that could cause a change in libido. There also could be medical reasons that cause a man to experience a drop in testosterone. Men do lose testosterone as they age but 45 is still relatively young for a healthy, fit man. A blood test can determine his levels.
This issue is bigger than lingerie and sexy movies. Face it head-on and with love. Be supportive as your husband gets the physical and mental health care he may need. The fact that you said you barely speak says that there are major issues at play for both of you.
Here’s hoping that you can get back to a hot and healthy time with hubby really soon.
Abiola Abrams is the founder of The Bombshell Academy blog, online school and web series over at AbiolaTV. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week's hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.