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Plus Size Model in the City: On Your Marks, Get Set, Go!

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Sad Woman
Photo Credit: Getty Images

I've been moving. Forward. It's the way to move, right? But this forward movement leaves some prominent pieces in my life behind. And I'm scared.

When I took the first step, I felt like I was in a 500 yard dash. "On your marks... Get set... Go!" The gun in my head went off and I jolted out into a race that I've not been in for a while. Single.

My friends were running besides me. Parties, dinners, drinks, dancing, flirting, shopping, lunches, drinks, laughing, movies, brunches, drinks, conversations, laughter, life... And then I slowed down and felt this undeniable void. Single.

I was in the back seat of my friend's car. Driving home from Hampton University's homecoming—one of the best weekends I've had all year. Pause - Hampton stand up!! I love my school and I'm thankful for the education, experiences and friendships that it gave me. —Play. It was the day before my birthday and the knot in my throat made it hard to breathe without crying. My tears fell and I silently faced the fear of being single again. It’s a loneliness for which I am not ready. I suppose I better get ready though!

And honestly, I don’t want to hear that typical advice, “Spend some time with you. Get to know yourself again.”  Um, hello?!? I know me quite well. Well enough to know that I love ME. I thoroughly enjoy my “me time” AND I want a companion; my life partner. My ride or die! I want to be loved and cherished. And I want one of his daily goals to be making me FEEL treasured.

I came to a halt and the overwhelming sense of “single” made me very sad. I try my hardest not to think about it. I don’t want to deal with it. I just want to live and forget that feeling of missing someone. You know like, denial. Yes… I want to deny my single reality. On the days that I cannot avoid my truth, I miss my babe. Deeply. Who cares that it was my decision?

XO~
PSM

Twitter: @PlusSizeModelNY

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Plus Size Model in the City: I Wish I Could Just Erase Him...