Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW's Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!
I met a man that is so awesome to me. It's hard to put into words how fantastic our relationship is. We have such amazing chemistry and I do not want that to ever go away.
Let me just say, the sex is good and has always been fun. We talk and laugh during sex which I think helps me get in the grove a lot better. Even though I have some serious insecurity issues due to my physique, he makes me feel special in moments of intimacy that allows me to be open.
Problem? I am plus size and he is average (both is height and in "manhood"). He can handle me pretty well given our height differences but when we are intimate we typically stick to just missionary. However, I want to try something else to spice up our love life. He is totally OK with being on top but I fear that one day, he will get bored of our love life and want something more.
We've tried a few new positions but due to my size in weight, it was rather difficult. I am finding that with missionary, I do not always have an orgasm and sometimes it takes us having sex multiple times in one night before I get off.
What are some positions or intimate moments you can suggest for women who are a bit larger that allows us both to enjoy sex?
Thanks in advance!
Wondering in Wisconsin
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Dear Wonderful in Wisconsin,
First of all, my dearest queen I applaud you for taking control of your love life. It sounds like your man agrees with me that you are gorgeous and fully deserving of love, affection and pleasure. Yippee for that!
Be willing to let go of those old insecurity issues. Your worth is not attached to your body size or even the fact that you have the loving and attentive man you deserve. You were born worthy. I want you to look in your own eyes every time you pass a mirror and tell you, your best friend: “I was born worthy. I am enough. I love being me.” Before we get into the positions, you want to make sure that every sense is engaged in your private time.
Men are visual and your man clearly likes what he sees. Your beautiful energy shines forth so I wanted to do something special for you. I consulted with lingerie expert Cora Harrington to find out her picks for plus-size women. Cora of The Lingerie Addict blog recommended Hips and Curves which sells “scandalously skimpy panties,” garter belts and stockings in sizes up to 5x, Elomi and Goddess for busty bras and beyond and Hanky Panky (we love that) for boudoir looks in their signature stretch lace for life-sized women. Shopping for delicates with your partner can heighten anticipation and put all of your gifts in lovely wrapping paper.
Try these position revamps:
Bigger and Beautiful Position Roundup. a) Sitting up on the kitchen counter will give you great balance and control. Then your man can enter you from the front. If he needs access assistance, there is nothing wrong with him standing on a small stool or something else. You’re then able to have fun with no concerns about him or you holding up your weight.
b) Lie on your side with your knees bent. You can use pillows if you need extra support. He can enter from the back or the front. If from the front, see if you feel comfortable putting a leg up on his shoulder. This can bring you both great pleasure.
c) “Doggie style” also is great if your knees are up for it. Either you or him can provide extra stimulation for you, manually or with a small vibrator.
d) Ask him to sit on the end of the bed. Be near the bedhead so that you can hold on to it with one hand if needed. Straddle him and you will both be able to support your luscious weight.
Updated Missionary. As a plus-size princess your man may think that you feel most comfortable in missionary. Since this old standby is not getting you to where you want to be, you may want to add to this position without tossing it out. Eye contact can also intensify the experience between loving partners. If he’s into it, you can also spice up missionary with your hands. You can manually stimulate yourself (a show he might enjoy) or reach around and stimulate his prostate. Now that’s missionary to the max.
Try using a pillow or two under your butt to change how your bodies interact. This will give an average size man more access and perhaps give you a little more thrusting power as well. He’s more likely to have clitoral contact and hit your g-spot this way and my coaching clients report that this position also keeps a bountiful belly out of the way. Special note: You can also remain on your back and your man can reverse position so that your feet line up with his face. For some women this kind of penetration is too intense, others report pleasure. See if it works for you.
Kink it up. Pick up a copy of the first African American Kama Sutra book, SoulMates: An Illustrated Guide to Black Love, Sex, and Romance. Explore out of the box sexual paths like tantra or some 50 Shades of Grey style BDSM. Purchase adult toys and instructional books together at a woman-friendly sex shop like Good Vibrations at GoodVibes.com.
This is just the beginning of your explorations together. Continue to be curious, experiment, play and have fun. Most importantly, love, honor and cherish each other. You deserve every happiness, goddess. Why? Because you’re worth it!
Abiola Abrams is the founder of The Bombshell Academy blog, online school and web series over at AbiolaTV. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week's hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.