Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW's Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!
My problem is pretty simple, yet very complex. I can’t orgasm. There, I said it.
I have to be honest. I don’t really masturbate, or anything like that, but since I have a live in boyfriend, I feel that I shouldn’t have to. My man and I have been together since college and we have two kids together.
He usually initiates everything, but I’m into it. I get turned on and I do enjoy myself. We get into it, and right away he’s asking me if I am climaxing. So then I always just fake it over and over again. Meanwhile he thinks it’s good. I like the sex, but just once, I would like to feel what the big deal is about. You know?
How can I get there?
Bored in Brooklyn
I appreciate you having the courage to write in. This is not a small thing. You deserve to experience the full pleasure your body has to offer. The great news is that you want intimacy, you get turned on with your partner and you are enjoying the interaction. This means that we can rule out arousal and libido issues.
When it comes to never having orgasmed, you’re not alone. According to Dr. Louanne Cole Weston, about ten percent of women are unable to reach orgasm alone or with a partner. An orgasm is a series of involuntary, usually pleasurable, contractions. The majority of women are only able to have clitoral orgasms although about thirty percent of women can orgasm vaginally. You are in possession of the magnificent clitoris; the only body part that exists solely for pleasure. (We’re lucky ladies!)
You say that you don’t masturbate, but my challenge for you is to continue what you started with this letter and make your pleasure your responsibility. Every morning for the next 30 days, when you take a shower, use the time and space to explore your own body. Hold a hand mirror between your legs and become familiar with your yoni. If we don’t know what pleases us, we can’t show anyone else. Your partner is not responsible for your orgasm.
In addition to your bathroom play, order a small vibrator disguised as lipstick from Bedroom Kandi, Real Housewives of Atlanta star Kandi Burruss’ adult toy line. Many women also report an increase in orgasmic function by working with a Jade Egg. The Asian-derived body tool strengthens your PC muscles. Orgasms generally come from a state of feeling mentally relaxed. You’ve built up this issue of faking it with your partner for so long that there’s undoubtedly tension every single time and that’s not optimal.
There’s no need to tell your boyfriend that you’ve been faking the whole time, but you should absolutely stop faking it from this point forward. Clearly, you are only cheating yourself of having a full experience and not allowing your partner to learn how to please you. Tell yourself and your man that you are going to take as long as you want during sex so that you can reach another level of passion. Practice slow, deep breaths combined with tensing and releasing, contractions that are similar to orgasm. Some women have found release with this method.
Couples who have poor communication issues in the bedroom usually have communication troubles elsewhere. Investigate where else in your relationship you are not being fully honest with the father of your children.
Lastly, my queen, you may want to consider working with a coach or sex therapist to uncover whether you may also have underlying psychological issues that need to be addressed.
Abiola Abrams is the founder of The Bombshell Academy blog, online school and web series over at AbiolaTV. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week's hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.