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Intimacy Intervention: ‘I Feel Like We're Roommates, Not Lovers'

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unhappy couple in bed
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Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW's Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!

Dear Abiola,

I’ve been with the father of my two children for almost 15 years on and off, but mostly on. Things have always been okay sex-wise but now that my kids are 13 and 14, I want to put more effort into making the relationship hot and heavy again. It probably sounds weird since we’ve been together so long already, but I want to maybe even get married at some point.

I am very interested in spiritual sexuality. I’ve heard of tantra, but I don’t fully get it. A woman in my yoga class mentioned it recently and now I want to learn more.

How can I explore this without going down some way-out-there path? And, what’s the best way to get my man into it to? I’ve always been open to everything, but he’s your basic hardworking, meat and potatoes kind of guy. I’m also hoping that something like tantra could deepen our connection since we sometimes feel like roommates raising kids.

Signed,
Under-Sexed

Dearest U.S.,

My sister, I hold a vision of you being in love with your man with a steamy sex life. Being together for 15 years and co-parenting tweens is not easy. It’s commendable that you have the wisdom to make your own pleasure a priority.

As Pastor Rick Warren says, “Sex was invented by God and not Hugh Hefner.” The intersection of sexual intimacy and spirituality is as old as time. One need not look any further than the Song of Solomon in the Bible to find steamy erotica and a poetic exploration of desire. There is nothing weird about you wanting to experience a potent love affair with your life partner.

The sacred Indian texts say that the purpose of tantra is spiritual enlightenment. The dictionary defines tantra as one of the Hindu or Buddhist scriptures dealing with meditative and sexual practices. In Sanskrit, the word means “woven together” which is entirely appropriate as practitioners believe that the weaving together of masculine and feminine energy mirrors the weaving together of humanity with divinity.

There are a myriad of tantric traditions, rituals and rites. Tantric ecstasy not only promises great heights in the bedroom, but is said to make you more creative and aware as a spiritual being. “JujuMama” Kenya K. Stevens and her husband Rakhem Seku offer tantric coaching and work with other couples.

The best way to present this new approach to your man is as a game or adventure. If you’re feeling like things have been stale between the sheets, he most likely feels the same way. Men have fragile egos, so be honest and clear that there’s nothing wrong with him or your current sex life. Explain that you’re still passionate about him after all of these years and that’s why you’re excited about turning it up a notch. The books “Urban Tantra” and “Ecstasy is Necessary” by Dr. Barbara Carrellas are good starting points.

Tantric Exercise: Eye-tensity.

One easy entry-level tantric exercise is what I call “eye-tensity.” They say that the eyes are the window of the soul, so you can make seven minutes of eye-time daily with your partner, right? Set a timer and sit facing each other, gazing intently into each other’s eyes. Without looking away, or speaking, begin to breathe in sync, inhaling together and exhaling together. This sounds simple but it is incredibly intimate. You can do this exercise fully clothed or naked and sitting on his lap every morning before you both leave for work. Guess who he’ll be thinking about on his commute home?

Tantric Exercise: Goal-free Intimacy.

Another tantric exercise is to slow everything down and focus on the breath during sex. It can be challenging with children to find time to be together, much less large chunks of time, but your relationship needs this. Whatever your usual sexy-time routine is, be committed to doubling the time. This is for before play, during and after play. Instead of rushing toward completion, pause and take your time. This will help you both discover new points of delight and pleasure.

You may wish to look into tantric yoga and combine your interests. Related traditions that blend sexuality and spirit include kundalini, karezza, the kama sutra, chakras, massage, the the taoist “joining of energies.” Ancient traditions honor female deities such as Oshun, the Yoruba Orisha of love, Hathor, the Egyptian goddess of fertility, Erzulie, the Haitian spirit of femininity, Aphrodite and Venus, the Roman and Greek goddesses of love and Shakti, the Indian embodiment of creative life force.

The sky is the only limit and pleasure is your birthright. You and your partner can be “hot and heavy” again, married and living on a beach in Bali if you set your goals and move toward them. If he’s not into it at first you can begin this exploration on your own. Have fun. Enjoy yourself and each other.

Passionately yours,

Abiola

Abiola Abrams

Abiola Abrams is the founder of The Bombshell Academy blog, online school and web series over at AbiolaTV. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week's hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.

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