Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW's Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!
Today I had another pregnancy scare. The problem is, if I were, I wouldn’t know who the father is. I am not one of those “Who's the Daddy” women on Maury. I am a 39-year-old lawyer with no children. I have been told that I’m nice to look at. I resemble a petite Tyra with short Halle hair.
I used to brush off my extensive sexual experiences as booty calls, one-night stands, friends with benefits and hooking up. I felt empowered. Then my behavior started affecting my life.
I have had numerous abortions. I have had STDs; thankfully nothing permanent. I’ve slept with co-workers. My marriage and a prior engagement failed because I cheated.
My friends joke that I should write a book about my crazy experiences, but at this point, I am just sick and tired of feeling like a joke. I need sex two or three times a day at a minimum. Sex toys and porn aren’t cutting it anymore. I crave it all the time and can’t resist anybody, male or female, who hits on me. Even the men I meet online are surprised at how far I’ll go.
Most of the time I hate this. Sometimes I try to embrace it. I usually just feel like a junkie afterwards. I’m lonely and confused.
Help me, please!
Dear Miss Precious,
Your problem has a name: sexual addiction. You feel like a junkie because you are a junkie. But, you, goddess, are not junk. Let’s talk about this with no stigmas and no judgments, okay sis?
You are not alone.
An addiction is when you can’t get enough of what you no longer want. Celebrities who’ve declared they have sex addictions include major stars like Tiger Woods and Kanye West. Some have questioned whether this is a real issue. Whether these celebs are truly addicts or not, I can’t say, but compulsive sexual behavior is real. Unfortunately, women are less likely to admit the issue or seek help for fear of being slut-shamed as a “ho” or dismissed as a “nympho.”
Being a sexual woman does not make you an addict. Feeling out of control with an absence of true joy in your life does.
Congrats first of all on reaching out for help. The first step is to admit you have a problem. Many realize that they’ve lost control when they find themselves searching the “Casual Encounters” section of Craigslist or obsessively Googling for “casual sex.” People act out differently. Some addicts are functional. You are craving connection.
The difference between just wanting to have lots of sex or being polyamorous and being an addict is that your behavior is compulsive and making you unhappy. According to Sex Addicts Anonymous, common characteristics of sexual addiction include: powerlessness to addictive and unmanageable sexual behavior, feelings of shame, pain and self-loathing, empty promises and failed attempts to stop and preoccupation with sex, and the progressive worsening of negative consequences. For men, this may include unwanted children and broken relationships, as well as sexually transmitted diseases.
It’s time to get introspective, Miss P. You can’t fix something if you refuse to look at it. Addiction is often about numbing, distraction, and refusing to be present with yourself for fear of being overwhelmed by your feelings.
You are seeking external validation and appreciation because you never learned how to self-soothe, feel safe or validate yourself. Sexual abstinence is as difficult for overeaters with food abstinence. Your body needs food, and yes, your body may feel it needs sex, too. It’s a natural urge.
I tell my sex addict coaching clients that you have to want help more than you are afraid of it. Remind yourself daily that it is safe to feel safe. Praise love on yourself.
Surrender, pray, and connect with a higher power after you admit that you are powerless over this addiction.
Become present in your life, diva. No more numbing. No more distraction. Don’t trade this addiction for another. Learn how to feel your feelings. You won’t break, although you might feel you will. That is normal.
You are not a bad person. You are a divine reflection. Your Creator does not make mistakes. This is not an accidental world. Nothing enters our experience uninvited or without the gift of a lesson.
Now get to work, babydoll. Find a 12-Step support group, coach, or therapist fast. I challenge you to practice sexual abstinence for 12 full months (yes, 12!) while you get healthy and rebuild your self-worth.
Abiola Abrams is the founder of The Bombshell Academy blog, online school and web series over at AbiolaTV. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week's hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.