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Ask Dr. Sherry: How Do I Bring the Intimacy Back to My Marriage?

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Dr Sherry Profile Two

You've seen celebrity clinical psychologist Dr. Sherry Blake, author of The Single Married Woman: True Stories of Why Women Feel All Alone in Their Marriages, keep the Braxton sisters calm on the hit show Braxton Family Values. Now it's your turn to sit in her chair...

Q: I am a 41-year-old woman. I have been married to my husband for 21 years and we've been together for 24 years  since we were 17. My question is, how do we regain the romance and intimacy level? I feel like there's a whole different sexual being in me that my husband is clueless about. I'm never excited to be intimate with him and I would love to regain the passion we once had. Our lovemaking sessions last about 10 minutes, and I'm left unsatisfied. Other than this issue, we have a wonderful relationship and marriage. Please advise! —Anonymous

A:
Hi, Sad Face! Maybe I can help you turn your sad face into a happy face. First of all, it is not unusual for the thrill and the sexual drive to decrease after years of marriage. But just because it decreases doesn’t mean the interest or flame is not there. It is likely to mean that you and your husband may need to pour a little oil on the fire. You do this by not focusing so much on the sexual act, but the romance and the intimacy between the two of you. It is clear that your sexual desire is still high and you have ignored your sexual side that is dying to get out. You may be surprised that your husband would love to see and experience this “whole different sexual being.” Given that he is “clueless,” you may want to start exposing what you want to experience with him slowly. It would be helpful to engage in a conversation with your husband about both of your sexual desires and fantasies. If you expose too much too quickly, he may feel threatened and question where this newfound sexual knowledge is coming from. I would suggest that you start by not having sex at all, but by learning to enjoy and arouse each other by the power of touch. Feel free to explore sex through touching. You may need a “toy” or two! Use your imagination! Once you have reached your “peak” at touching, who knows — you can end up looking like the couple from the His/Hers KY commercial



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