“Seventy-eight percent of women are not having an orgasm during intercourse,” says Kenya K. Stevens, a life coach, love guru, best selling author ("Change Your Man"), and tantric sex practitioner, who wants to help you get there. “If it were seventy-eight percent of men who weren’t ejaculating it would be a red alert emergency.”
In their 20s, she and her husband Carl, who met in college and have been happily married for sixteen years, discovered how tantric techniques and philosophies could take their sex life to a deeper, more pleasurable level. (Stevens regularly talks about having double digit orgasms during intercourse.) When they noticed how many African-Americans felt intimidated by the ancient Indian practice, they started I2 Tantra, which stands for Integrated Intimacy.
“Integrating intimacy into your life as a couple is so important,” says Stevens. “What makes our technique different is that we explain things in easy to understand ways and really simplify the process.”
Are you ready to learn how to achieve the best orgasm ever? We caught up with Stevens to gain insight on how lovers can begin the journey to true bliss in the bedroom – and to get the real deal on why so many sisters knowingly go without it.
ESSENCE.COM: Can any woman improve her orgasms?
KENYA STEVENS: Every woman is naturally orgasmic. What happens is, women are being shut down from their orgasms when they’re young – through guilt, and shame, and whatever religious beliefs – which then have us thinking that we’re not supposed to be orgasmic, and that it’s somehow slutty to be an orgasmic woman. I am an orgasmic woman. That is a part of my persona. It’s a part of my happiness and my joy; it’s natural and to be expected. That’s how I’m raising my daughter. Most girls are not raised to be an orgasmic woman. So, yes, every woman has this potential.
ESSENCE: How would you define being an orgasmic woman?
STEVENS: Being an orgasmic woman means that you actually embrace the idea of pleasure – that it’s just as important as work or anything else that you do. You embrace it, and you allow it. Those are two very important words. You embrace it first and foremost, and then you allow it to be, and that’s how we become an orgasmic woman, and what it really is. Having an orgasm is just as important as cooking a meal, picking up the kids, or taking the kids to soccer. I don’t know why we don’t think of it that way.
ESSENCE: Aside from the obvious – bliss! – what are some other benefits to increasing the number of orgasms you have?
STEVENS: Orgasm brings on relaxation. It brings on the idea of lower blood pressure. It brings on many other health and wellness opportunities. That’s why it is so important for women to get to this stage.
ESSENCE: A lot of women questions whether they’ve ever had a “real orgasm.” Can you miss it?
STEVENS: You cannot miss it, no! The idea is that, we don’t know what it is. We think a female orgasm is like a male orgasm, where you have a high point, or climax, and that’s it. A female orgasm is a rolling orgasm. Once you begin to have real orgasms, it comes, and then it can be rolling. Then it starts to come again, every one-eighth of a second. When a woman is really good at her pleasure, she can have an orgasm every one-eighth of a second forever. We don’t know this, but ancient cultures know this. Tantric cultures know this. The Kama Sutra, and some of the African, Native American, and Chinese traditions know this, everyone except us somehow.
ESSENCE: What are we doing wrong? Why is this happening?
STEVENS: This is happening because of the lack of education and the shameful feelings that women have about orgasms and sex in general. Those are really the only two reasons. There’s no reason a woman should be having sexual intercourse and not ejaculating. Women are having an orgasm with toys and clitoral stimulation. But the clitoris is the beginning. The rest of the orgasm happens up in the G-spot. There’s another place called the “deep spot;” I can go on and on. I can have orgasms in the stomach, heart, chest, throat -- these are all places that are connected to the sensual area. Nobody understands this, but we can and we must. The clitoral orgasm is just the beginning. It’s the entry point for orgasms.
ESSENCE: What’s the first step a woman can take to get there?
STEVENS: An easy step one is to stop performing. Understand that, during sex, the man is the giver, and the woman is the receiver. You’re not pleasuring him. That’s not what we’re doing. Most women say, “I’m gonna give you some,” and men will say, “I’m gonna get some.” No he’s not. He’s giving. Where are getting the idea that we’re going to give him something? We have got to take that stance. When I have sex with a man, I know that they’re there to pleasure me. That’s the purpose. Just that mentality has really made my sex life so much better. Getting authentic about the sex that you’re having, so there’s no need to fake it, is key. The idea is that you want to feel something, and you need to make your partner aware of that. Say, “I want pleasure. I want to feel something.” You can’t sit there and fake it. You have to stop performing and learn to receive. The first step is a mental step.
To learn more about the Stevens' tantric techniques and to get more information about their books and online classes visit JuJuMamaBlog.com.