When it comes to dating everyone has questions they need advice on. We asked you what you'd like Modern Day Matchmaker Paul Carrick Brunson to answer and the questions came rolling in. Here, he takes on your top burning questions. Get the answers you need now...
How long should a woman wait for a proposal? The heart of this question is about commitment. If I could create a gauge to determine if a man (or woman) was ready to fully commit to a relationship, I would surpass Oprah on the Forbes list. Commitment readiness is challenging to assess but there are a few tell-tale signs: 1) Does he say “we” opposed to ”I?” 2) Has he introduced you to ALL of his family and friends? 3) When you look at your growth as a couple, has it continued to become stronger? If the answer to all of these is yes, he’s most likely ready to commit for the long-term.
Where's the site without the weirdos?You mean to tell me you haven’t visited noweirdos.com yet? LOL. Okay, so I’ll be the first to agree that there are some questionable characters online. That said, shady people exist everywhere (online and off). No matter where you are, it’s most important to be safe. Here’s a link to some great online safety tips: http://www.onlinedatingsafetytips.com/
Why do men think they can get it when they want it without making a commitment?I assume “it” is not ice cream? When dealing with the when and why of sex in a non-committed relationship, there is no better analogy than the Cow and Milk. If you’re dealing with someone used to poppin’ free milk bottles, it’s understandable why they would think milk shouldn’t come with a cost. However, there are over 50 million men in this country who have ‘bought cows’….and speaking as a cow purchaser myself, we know the milk is much sweeter when you own.
What happened to good ol' boy meets girl at the store, library, coffee shop, ball game? That old fashion face-to-face kind of love! Am I in the minority in my thinking?The internet happened! That said, we shouldn’t look at online as some weird science way of connecting, rather, I look at it as simply a tool to meet MORE people. Men and women still meet at stores, coffee shops, ball games, airport bathroom stalls (okay, maybe just elected officials do this). The internet didn’t change that. What it did change, however, is our ability to meet a larger group of people and also meet people with certain characteristics. Pre-1980, if you wanted to meet someone who shared a love for say a particular book, you would need to visit 1000s of book stores and wish for a stroke of luck that you would see them purchasing or reading it. Not today, there are dozens of websites specially tailored for book enthusiasts where within minutes you can connect with that person. It doesn’t stop them for scheduling time to meet up at the coffee shop, it simply made the opportunity to meet people more efficient.
In general, how do you know if a man is flirting with you or just being polite? Because men are not monoliths, there is a whole range of how we act around women. Some, no matter how high their interest, come off like a cold brick of ice. Others, with possibly a wife at home, might be so touchy feely, you don’t know if they have 8 arms. My advice in the situation when you can’t distinguish is to simply ask yourself one question, “Am I attracted to him?” If the answer is no, it won’t matter. If the answer is yes, simply ask them if they are in a committed relationship and then proceed. It’s important to be proactive in settings because opportunity never knocks without first being invited.
Can you really find love on internet dating?Many people do. The number of relationships stemming from online is growing tremendously. Currently, 1 out of 5 relationships begin online and 1 out of 6 marriages originally come from the internet. Within the next 5 years, I predict online will account for more marriage introductions than friends and family (currently #1 source of marriages). Interesting note, I’m noticing that one of the fastest growing demographics for online dating sites is black people (U.S. & abroad).
Why are most men not attracted to plus size woman and want their women to be model style? This is an area sometimes shocking for people. It’s not that men prefer models over plus size women. As a matter of fact, I’ve read solid research to suggest when given the option between the two, most men desire a larger woman. Thus demonstrated by the popularity of BBW in pornography. All that said, what men truly love is called the golden mean: the ratio of a woman’s waist to hip. If it is 70% or less, that is what’s considered sexy…and most desired.
Do you find that most people are honest about what they want from a mate? Or do they say one thing, and then gravitate towards something else?This is a great question. I’ve seen statistics (and first hand) that easily 1/3 of all people lie about something when dating (height, age, employment, etc.). That said, what is even more interesting is that even though I mostly work with very smart and self-reflective people, it’s clear that while they think they know what they want, they really don’t know. There is a concept called cognitive dissonance (when our beliefs and assumptions conflict) that explains this. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard someone say, I won’t date a man unless he’s 6 foot tall, and 6 months later they’re in a committed relationship with a man who is 5’8!
Mr. Brunson, Can you please tell people loud & clear that is okay to date more than 1 person.YES! AMEN!! HALLELUJAH!!! Please read my post on this topic here.
How long should one wait for a response from an email before one gives up and realizes that the interest is not there? I've been using a week. There is no exact time but it’s important to know that we all share something in common, we prioritize what is most important to us, and act accordingly. The slight exception in this when dating (especially in early stages) is what I call ‘gaming’ (when you don’t want to appear pressed so you respond more slowly then you would normally). So, I say that if you send a message to someone and it passes 3 days, interest is low. If one week passes, interest is non-existent. However, never fear reaching out to confirm receipt of a message, don’t let a spam folder be the cause for your breakup.
If you have further questions, please contact me on Facebook at fb.com/PaulBrunson or on twitter at @PaulCBrunson.