Commitment. Loyalty. Faithfulness. Sticktoitiveness. I am dedicated and sometimes it's to a fault. When I give, I give my all. And I don't always know when to stop giving and take a look around to see if I'm still receiving. I get so caught up in MY commitment and doing MY part that I lose focus on what I need and deserve... until my emotions start speaking to me. And lately, my inner voices and emotions have been screaming!
He disconnected. He is facing an extraordinary amount of difficulty in his life. Honestly, if I were in his shoes, I don't know what my mental state would be. I've been consistently supportive and some days without response from him. I don't do it for kudos or points; I support him because he is my man and that's what I do. I hold my man down! It gets difficult though. And today it seems impossible. I'm only human. How long can I go on alone in this relationship waiting for him to come back around? Will he? I keep telling myself that I will do it for as long as I can, literally. As long as my own suffering doesn't alter my normal state. PAUSE ~ Who am I fooling? My normal state was altered and impacted by what's happening a long time ago! But like I said before, I may bend, but I don't break; ever. PLAY ~
Today, I woke up with a knot in my throat. And as I write, the tears are building up in my eyes and sliding down my face. I feel like I cannot do it anymore, but it's mind over matter, right? I do not know what it is to quit, but I do know what it is to take care of me. Right now, I'm not doing a good job of it. If you give your all in supporting and you're not receiving support in return, you're just floating. That's how I feel. Like I'm just suspended in outer space spinning around and around waiting to gain control and direction. And honestly, I know that can only come from me at this point.
Eyes closed, tears falling and praying to God for guidance...
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