I know... I have been pretty silent about my relationship (or the makings of my relationship) with Cullen. Honestly, I sat down a few times to write, but could not find the words to express how I was feeling or what was going on between us. Ironically, there is SO much going on and I have an abundance of emotions that I could speak to. So why the silence? Well last night while I was talking to him on the phone it came to me. I am getting nervous; I am starting to feel vulnerable. I like him! A lot! Exhale... PAUSE ~ Remember when I started seeing Mr. Fits No More and I sighed at the thought of meeting some one new. I was so pensive. So uneasy and uncertain about what was ahead. My feelings definitely warranted a sigh of apprehension and concerns. PLAY~ Yes, exhale, but this time with a BIG smile!
I am totally enjoying this journey we have embarked upon. He is so consistent. PAUSE ~ "During the courting phase, a lot of men tend to go straight to sixty miles per hour. They send flowers to the job; they call you 10 times a day, etc. Then as time goes on, they cannot keep up. They don't send the flowers and they can only call 3 times a day. It doesn't mean they don't like you anymore; he's just doing what he can realistically maintain. But any woman would wonder why the intensity has decreased. I give what I can from the start." He said during one of our first conversation back in November 2010. I LOVE THAT! How many times have we fallen for a man who comes for us really hard only to fall flat! Whomp, whomp...PLAY ~ Consistency is imperative in a relationship with me. Historically, I've seen the highs and lows, the ups and downs and in the beginning both parties are down for the long haul, but then something changes and often times while we want to place the blame on the other party, there is no real blame. Someone just decided that the relationship was no longer worth the fight or the time. This is a sad, harsh reality to accept; even when you are the one who has decided to walk away. And here rest my "writer's block". I have been sharing my life with you for a year now. I have been completely honest and I do not hold back. You have been my diary, my journal and I have grown to love each one of you. PAUSE ~ I appreciate your support... sending emails, posting notes on Facebook, tweeting me, praying for me, encouraging me, even the silent followers who I never hear from, but continue to read... I truly love what you stand for in my life. PLAY ~ You know me so well and I think something in me knew that telling you about Cullen would mean truly examining my feelings for his wonderful man. It would mean admitting that he speaks what I have only thought and his intensity on values we share would scare some, but makes me feel secure in what we are building. It would mean admitting that his touch drives me crazy! PAUSE ~ This pause is for me! I cannot stop smiling right now! Seriously, this man's touch makes me wonder if he read a book on my erogenous zones! PLAY~ It would mean admitting that for the first time in my life I am okay with not seeing someone ALL the time. Don't get me wrong, I love when we are together; however our communication is so clear and intense, we are so connected that I am fully satisfied even when he is not around. It would me admitting that I believe (India Arie sings in my head)
"He is the truth
Said he is so real
And I love the way that me makes me feel...
It's almost like I knew this man from another life
Like back then maybe I was his husband maybe he was my wife
And even things I don't like about him are fine with me
Cause it's not hard for me to understand him cause he's so much like me"
The truth is, it would mean admitting to you and myself that I am Feeling. This. Man. and that I am opening myself up to all possibilities... Again! But please remember all possibilities include positive promise too. I'm banking on the positive!
Missed you and so glad to be back...
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