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Commentary: Make Your Man a King

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When I wrote "Men Don't Heal, We Ho: A Book About The Emotional Instability of Men," my purpose was to save relationships and initiate change, growth and development in both men and women. In New York, a woman said to me: "After reading your book, I figured out that I would be a better woman if I had a better man. I can be better but he don't deserve better." My response was, "You can't let a man lower your quality of woman. I have no choice but to reject your explanation and label it as an excuse. You are to be the absolute best woman that you can be at all times or leave." In Chicago, a man said to me, "I had not considered what I really needed in a woman until I read your book. I was in a relationship with a woman that I loved but our relationship wasn't going anywhere and I didn't know why. I learned from your book that she loved me but she didn't know how to take care of me. She didn't know how to treat a man." My response was, "Congratulations on being man enough to end the relationship but you still have to take responsibility for not knowing and not effectively communicating your needs earlier in the relationship." In Atlanta I was doing a radio interview about my ESSENCE article "10 Ways To Go From Girlfriend To Wife." I was talking about how today's woman doesn't cook or clean like my momma used to. Today's woman does not know how to love a man the way Grandma used to. We talked about how today's woman is more confrontational, less nurturing and even less sensitive. Today's woman would rather fight, argue and disrespect a man than encourage and support him. (I will tell you something funny about today's woman later in this article -- remind me.) Then, the person interviewing me said something that blew my mind. Introducing Twanda Black: "I laughingly and lovingly proclaim that I am a Kingmaker! I have learned in my 40 plus years that men need love, affection, respect and a great amount of encouragement. As a single mother of two boys, I raised them to be sensitive young men. I patiently listened to them without judgment, I gave them the benefit of my wisdom and most of all I encouraged them in everything! All the men in my life get that same encouragement, my brothers, nephews, cousins, friends even my father. Well it's the same for your man -- if you want the best from a man who has some kind of potential -- encourage him daily, patiently listen to him, try not to nag, watch your tone and attitude. Find out what his currency of love is -- is it a hot meal daily, affection, sex, honesty, encouragement or simply believing in him? Be his ride or die, his till death do us part, his Proverbs 31 woman! Watch him become the King you knew he could be and you'll be his Queen! Be a Kingmaker!" You know what? Let me tell you what's funny about today's woman right now! You run around with your attitude locked on stank mode, huffing and puffing, angry and mad but you ain't doing nothing! You all loud, speaking out of turn and talking down to your man but you ain't saying nothing. You're making threats, you stopped cooking, you stopping cleaning, you stopped caring, but you ain't gonna go nowhere! You call yourself, "Waiting on a man to find you," but then you hop in the car with the first male that shows up. You complain about your male not being a man but if you had a man, would you know what to do with him? Do you know your role? What value are you to a man's life? Are you a KingMaker? There are far too many bad relationships in the world today. Far, far too many. Some of y'all just don't need to be together. My book is saving a lot of relationships but I have also been learning that it is breaking a lot of them up. I think that's a good thing. Because if you can't be who you are in a relationship then you need to be single. This KingMakers article is a Public Service Announcement. If you can't make a King out of your man then you are either with the wrong man or you are not woman enough to do it. You see, a King has to be crowned by someone and woman you do that at the house if you know you are doing! Women, this is not time for you to make an excuse, it is time for you to make a stand. KingMaking is not just about women knowing how to treat and make a man feel like a King. It is also about women recognizing when their man is not fit to be a King. Ever. Woman you have to be able to recognize this. Let's be honest, if you got a peasant -- and some of y'all got peasants -- you are not going to treat your peasant like a king, are you? But what I am saying to you today is that if you chose that peasant or allowed that peasant to choose you, then you need to treat that peasant like a King... or leave. Women, let's not get sidetracked and start all of a sudden getting worried about how you are being treated and how you are not a Queen. You have to have a King to be a Queen or I guess you can be a Queen all by yourself. Yesterday you were not talking about how your man was treating you, you are only talking about that right now because I am challenging you on if you know what to do with a man. This is not about how he is treating you. This article is about what you see in him and what you put into him. (My editor hates when I take a timeout to say that a line was dope! Let me say that again, drop the keyboard and be out!) This article is about what you see in him and what you put into him. Steven James Dixon is the author of the sure-fire conversation starter "Men Don't Heal, We Ho: A Book About the Emotional Instability of Men." Read more advice from SJD at The Relationship Report. His book is available at StevenJamesDixon.com.
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